Posts Tagged ‘infertility’

Champion

My OB cursed me. After a clean and clear glucose test (thank God, this mamma needs her M&Ms) she said, “You’re making this look too easy!” My husband wasn’t there to share the war stories from home, so I accepted this victory and walked out of that office a little lighter, despite my ever growing belly.

In true form, I got about 2 hours of celebration before my Endocrinologist sent over crap news. Seems that most people treated for Graves disease  see a depletion in the antibody in their system throughout the following years. This person did not, my last test shows double the expected amount. Graves, know for its effects on the thyroid, is actually an autoimmune disorder. I’m learning now that after the RAI thyroid treatment, the disease remains quietly in your body for a lifetime. It’s potentially not so silent for my baby. It can threaten her heart, growth, thyroid and can cause preterm labor. Those couple of carefree hours felt so damn good.

After the necessary freak-out period (thanks to my friends who told me to get off Google and breath) I booked another level 2 scan with my Perinatologist and a massage (more thanks to the most fabulous mom group in the world).  There is nothing to be done but to wait and watch, two things I detest doing.  And, reducing stress, which can reduce the antibodies floating around. Can one be vigilant about relaxation?

The name we have unwittingly chosen for our daughter means Champion – noun, a person who has defeated all opponents. During this last week her kicks have become so strong that I double over, gasping and laughing in the same m0ment.  Mom’s protect their little girls with an unparallelled fierceness. We learn, sometimes reluctantly, to trust our daughter’s ability to care for themselves over time and after years of careful instruction. It is a lesson I am learning far earlier than I ever expected to. I am trying to trust the Morse code of her little limbs, I can’t help but feel that this little champion is already sending the message that she’s got this one, so relax and send more M&Ms.

Avocado

My current state is over-running my existence, so this is where I am taking the leap to real time. In short, all the the Docs gave their enthusiastic “go for it”, I dumped the Fentanyl patch in late November and we took our first and only shot at baby-making in early December. This being clearly wanted to happen.

About 8 weeks in I had that terrifying spotting, a symptom that leaves you feeling like this whole thing may be a figment of your evil imagination. I begged and bothered the nurse line enough to get an early ultrasound, a new level of “crazy expecting mom” for me. We left the hospital with our first two pictures of the healthy baby – deemed bugaboo until birth by my husband and 5 year old.

Much of this pregnancy is like any other, the morning sickness has brought me to my knees and I am praying that it won’t extend a day beyond today. Working full time has had its challenges, I am holding onto my sick days like they are gold. The chronic pain stepped up a notch after the patch, but is still bearable with the help of the low-dose vicodin.  Having left the danger zone of the first trimester, I will begin weaning off of those pills next week. Feels like I’m climbing that first clicking hill of the roller coaster and the ride down will either thrill me or send me into a dark oblivion.

I have a pregnancy tracking app that delivers a little piece of inspiration to me everyday. My daughter especially loves the ones that associate the size of the baby to a piece of fruit, studying the pictures of lemons and apples  carefully. Yesterday she put her little hand on my belly and, squealing, felt the beginning kicks of our precious avocado, in that moment I felt no pain.

Pandora’s Box

I’ve been forced to accept many, many things in the last few years.  But I guess the one thing I never really accepted was the fact that I wouldn’t have a second child – that my daughter would not have a sibling. We began the long dig through the process of adoption and got far enough to realize we could not afford it. Years from now maybe, hopefully.

I found myself becoming a baby-stocker, offering to watch friend’s small ones more often than seemed sane. A day at the beach this summer with little Molly and her year-old cheeks drove me back to my computer. Maybe there is a way…my levels have been really good for two years…I am stronger than this pain. I googled five thousand related articles in 24 hours. Set appointments with three doctors, including a therapist to measure my level of insanity, terrified. Pandora’s box had been opened and truth be told, I was already breathing easier.

Throw another log on the fire.

I’m certain that some of this sounds pretty fun. I’m sure you enjoyed that precious  bottle of vicodin you got after your dental work. But there are nasty and sometimes unexpected side effects. Things a young mom does not find helpful.

An hour after my very first dose of neurontin, I had to tuck my daughter in for a very early nap because I could not stay upright long enough to keep her safe.  I have had patches that make it impossible to focus for more that 30 seconds on any given activity, what manager doesn’t love that? I require more sleep than any parent has a right to get. The scope of what people in chronic pain are suppose to live with, in order to have a relatively sane life, is ridiculous.

So when my hair started falling out and my legs cramped my body into submission at yoga, I thought nothing of it. When I woke up with my left eye bulging out of my face, I decided to google. Two days later I was diagnosed with  a severe case of Graves Disease and two weeks later my thyroid was rendered useless. I was told that I should not try to have another child, the levels of hormone in my body would not support good fetal development.

For me, having this daily pain feels like I am already doing my part, already above the line of general health. Its like a healthy person having a daily cold, or migraine. It seems that I should then get a pass on the flu, pink eye, thyroid disease. I was overwhelmed with this second log being throw on my fire. And truly mourning the loss of my future child – the one we had dreamed of and planned on, as certain as the rising of the sun.

The Littlest Rabbit

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