They haven’t told me not to blink, but I feel like have to keep my eyes as still as possible. The camera clicks around my head as I try to find my post-yoga zen place. The tumor isn’t there, I would know.

Past the gift store to the elevator, step on and I realize that I have done this many, many times. My family will be waiting in the cafeteria: chocolate milk, coffee and a newspaper. My heart is always racing, counting the minutes or days until the results will be ready for me. Racing to the fix, so I can continue with my life, as previously planned.

Today, I have moment. One of those brief seconds when the mind clears and you see what is real. My life might not continue as planned…illness might not go away. My heart slows as I realize that this IS my life, today, tomorrow and weeks from now. This IS who I am, this person who knows her hospital like the back of her hand. This person who has a specialist for every organ of her body. This person who needs a rest.

I bypass the McDonald’s and see my beautiful little girl drinking daddy’s water out of a bottle too heavy for her to pick-up. I am changed, I can feel some of the crazy float up into the fluorescents.


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