Muzak on a Monday


Ear-worm ahead, consider yourself warned.

I’m walking out the door of our local coffee shop this Monday morning, gripping my mug like a life-preserver, and I hear this: I won’t be made useless, I won’t be idle with dispair.  Jewel on the freaking Muzak made me cry. In my defense, I hadn’t really heard the song since my Lilith Fair days, a carefree time in which I had no real idea what dispair might be.

A long weekend is the perfect balm to the pain my work causes: four desk-free days, the absence of the 6 am alarm and the distraction that two little girls bring by the bucket load. This weekend we celebrated my daughter’s first birthday with the people we love (she found the cake terrifying, but adored ripping wrapping paper), we hit the State Fair for the cheese curds and horse barn, and we took Lucy, the American Girl doll, in for a hair fix ($10 well spent, the curly-haired ones should NOT be brushed by a 6-year-old). It was so easy to leap out of bed, who wants to be idle when there is cake to be eaten and there are cheeks to be kissed. I admittedly spend an afternoon watching a brainless Girls Scout movie on the Hallmark channel, nursing an over-done body, but that is what weekends are for.

Mondays after a long weekend are the hardest for me. My pain intensifies and you are likely to find me batting away the tears in front of the coffee shop. I wonder if I don’t close down a bit, shut-off some of the sensitive parts of my brain during the week, just to get through. Then I get a few awake days in a row and everything in me fights going under again. It is such a polar way to live. On one hand, not being made useless means I get up and go to work to support my family with home, groceries and health insurance. On the other, I find myself fighting the dispair my work week brings. I feel like I am at a cross-roads with this because, unfortunately for those of us with chronic illness, this just might be my ever-after.

I haven’t conjured a work-around yet, but I am not satisfied with living on the weekend.



2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Elizakate21 on November 5, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Oh my gosh, who are you? You are my soulmate!

    It is always just a tad liberating to read my thoughts on someone else’s page. I too am a weekend warrior in my own right and I struggle with the decision to finally quit my job and move on to being a weekDAY warrior as well.


    • Too funny because I was just thinking the same thing while reading your blog – which I discovered today on the WordPress Reader. Wonderful writing. It is extremely liberating to discover your not the only one out there.


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