Archive for December, 2011

Letdown

I’ve been really struggling to blog about my last few pain treatments for two reasons: they have not been positive experiences and I’m having a hard time putting them into a bigger perspective — giving them meaning. Maybe you will see something I do not.

Since delivering my daughter (4 months ago) I have switched pain clinics. The last one had nothing left for me but narcotics. My new doc came at me with three new injections and Lyrica – promising that he would relieve me of my need for pain killers. The injections did not work, the last actually made my pain worse. The Lyrica did not work, but it did make me feel like I’d been at a frat party all day and it turned me yellow.

I ended up back in the pain office begging for relief. This time I saw the NP. Funny how, when a Doc’s procedures fail, they transfer you to the Nurse Practitioner’s calendar.  I paid my $25 co-pay for her to read my file to me (she clearly had not taken a look at it), look down her nose at me and make me feel like garbage for taking vicodin. She then proceeded to tell me that she could not offer me any plan of action without talking to the Doc. That is when I started crying. I had been waiting two weeks for this appointment, in more pain that I had ever had (thanks to their damn injection) and she was ready to send me home with nothing, after being a complete bitch. To appease me, she produced samples of a new medication, Cymbalta, and promised to call Monday with a new plan of action.

That was a week and a half ago. I have received no phone call and am running low on my samples. The Docs love you when they think they have the super-hero answers, not so much when they have failed you. It makes the patient feel like a freak of nature letdown. This is where I normally try to shed some light on the positive, on the future. I can’t do it today. I am angry at my pain clinic, I am suffering some nasty side effects and I am sad that this is how I have spent my holiday season.

Patients deserve better, I deserve better. Even if you can’t fix me, be humane and stick by me when things get difficult. How can any of these Doctors be surprised when their patients start abusing their narcotics? What options have they left them?

Happiness Manifested

Today there is reason for great joy, my daughter is turning 6. It is a day of doughnuts, dolls and anything else that will make her grin that toothy smile.  As we make our way through today, I like to tell her what we were doing on the day of her 36 hour birth. Looking at her I can still see that baby’s smart blue eyes looking back at me. What she doesn’t understand, and likely won’t until she becomes a mom, is that this is my day too. In most ways, it is more magical to me than my own birthday is.

Being someone’s mommy has brought me the greatest happiness of my life. And I can say that even now, amidst her sister’s leave-no-parent-standing time of infancy.  No matter the financial  growing pains, the pain in the a** at work, or simply the pain in my body — I think on my girls and I am immeasurably proud, immeasurably grateful and just plain happy.

When I pick my daughter up from school she comes running at me with so much enthusiasm that she is always on the verge of toppling over or plowing right through me. I crouch down, open my arms wide and catch her: energy, skinny limbs and all. And for a moment I get to hold her, smell her hair, hear her giggle. Happiness manifested in this beautiful soul, my six-year-old girl.

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