Archive for May, 2011

A little deluded

If you are not sleeping, you should not blog. No ones needs to see the unfiltered rantings of my last couple weeks. I may have posted to one or two TV talk show  forums, but a girl needs a place to speak her mind. Even if it is a little deluded. I am now celebrating a break in the clouds.

I’m down another pill. A bitter sweet victory at best, but I’ll take it. I think have discovered the trick I need to make it through the next four weeks of withdrawal, complete denial. It’s like putting blinders on a horse. If I manage each minute as it comes, it seems almost controllable. If I catch a glimpse of tomorrow’s pain, it all falls into one ugly mess. I have 110 days left of this pregnancy and each one is going to be a battle.

I have spent a lot of time researching how one makes it though pain and pregnancy without crawling into a hole to die. The medical knowledge being limited,  I’ve turned to support groups – other women who are doing or have done this.  What I’ve found has been discouraging.  I have yet to come into contact with one person who successfully went off of their meds completely. Therefore, I am constantly told by these well meaning supporters to give-up.  These are tough women, dealing with unimaginable pregnancies. I am left wondering if I’m completely insane or just ridiculously motivated.

I’ve decided to stick with my type A behavior for as long as I can bare it. So, if you are with me, or need someone to say yes I’ve done it and here’s how, this is what I’m trying now: mental blinders & modified bed rest.  I have been blessed with a fantastic manager, who is allowing me to work from home half the day, removing me from the torture chamber that is my desk. I am hopeful that freeing me up for movement and rest will not only allow me to drop the rest of my meds, but also give me some moments of actual, pure enjoyment during this pregnancy.

Even now, during the times when the blinders are working at their best, I grin to myself and rub my belly knowing that these 110 days are miraculous. There’s nothing deluded about that.

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