Type A

We lost our first baby on the day we were to hear the heartbeat. I was blissfully unaware of the 12 week trial period in which one prays every time they wipe.  I’m not sure what was more wrenching, the betrayal of my body or the guilt over that last glass of wine. We bought a little wooden box, a heart carved into the front, and poured all of our devastation into it.

Ironically, we discovered that I have a slightly bi-uterus, a heart shaped uterus. If implantation happens on the stem part of the heart there isn’t enough nutrition to create a viable baby. I entered into a high risk pregnancy with a terror only known to parents in their first term. I compensated by  becoming THE BEST Type A, rule following mommy-to-be in the world.  When my daughter came into the universe, screaming that healthy scream we all hope to hear, she had never seen a drop of coffee, dose of Tylenol or hot tub.

I was super mom and this infant, this reward I’d been given, would be all of the things I imagined she could be. This being, more beautiful that any being ever sent to our world, would be the finest thing ever to happen to me.

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One response to this post.

  1. for all of us that have lost a child you prominently put into words the fears of all mothers…

    Children do not need to walk on this earth to leave footprints on our heart.

    Reply

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